fresh pair of eyes.

It has been almost a year since I last wrote and for good reason. I haven’t really had the need to express all of my emotions in such a literal format. I’ve been powering through life…putting myself first. Which is what every woman should do – put themselves first. It’s the best kind of medicine for a broken heart, in my opinion.

After last summer ended, I took a long hard look at what I had been through from the day I realized boys were a constant thought in my mind. I thought about how I had let men treat me. How I had compromised on so many of my needs and expectations. How boy after boy walked all over me while I laid there not fighting back.

I decided to fight back.

I cleared my contacts and rid my life of all the cancerous people who were bringing me down. (I highly recommend this type of cleanse).

This year has been wonderful. I have been extremely lonely. However, those nights I lay in bed, watching the moon stream through my blinds and listening to sweet ballads, wondering if I would ever find companionship…it was all worth it.

Roughly two months ago, I was given a new outlook on life. Through this cleanse, I was able to morph into someone that I was once, a long time ago. The girl who believes in herself and her dreams. Someone who cares about her well being and doesn’t let people consistently walk all over her. A girl who is powerful and takes life by the balls.

Well, it paid off.

I was blessed with the opportunity to meet someone who values who I am, what I believe in and what I see myself doing in the future. Talking about it makes my head spin, because it is all so overwhelming.

But the one feeling I don’t have, is that worthless, meaningless, empty feeling I have experienced since I was 13 years old.

our story.

There’s nothing I hate more than the two of us. Not separately, because I love you and I love myself…but I hate us. Us, together. Together we are like this toxic, violent, exhausting combination that should be destroyed. Comparable to a cockroach that lives on through the nuclear wars and the constant battles against fear.

Our relationship has survives battle after battle.

However, you know when you have fought so long that you don’t want to fight anymore. And you think to yourself, what would it be like to give up. To give up on life, this life of exhaustion and disgust. Where fighting with you feels like an arrow driving straight through your heart.

It leaves you gasping for air, clutching the ground, the life being drained out of you.

But you don’t die. Somehow, another leg of the relationship forms and we pick each other up only to throw each other back down.

I remember after one of the brutal days. Sitting and watching the rain. Watching the streaks of water drizzle down the window, each droplet leaving a faint trail. I remember thinking about the last times we smiled at each other.

Really smiled. Not the fake smiles we constantly throw around. Deep smiles that make you feel like you’ve grown wings. The stupid happy in love smiles that make you feel warm.

It’s been a while.

It’s time for this relationship to die. It’s time to pull the plug. It will be hard. Because knowing the pain will be lessening rather than thickening helps me sleep.

Without you beside me, I know that I will get better. So will you.

This is our story. Blood, tears, pain and sorrow.

dear handsome.

I wanted to write this to you and only you. You deserve a special letter your way because you are my world right now. I am going to spill my feelings here, because I can’t for the life of me brings myself to spill it out to you at this moment in time.

When your name reads across my screen, my stomach flips. A giant smile spreads across my face and all I can think of is you. All I want is you. This feeling of home and comfort warms my body and all I can think of is being nestled under your neck, your arms wrapped safely around me.

I think of watching movies with you. Those moments you have lifted me up, when I am down. Those times that I want to kiss you, but hold back to play hard to get. All of these moments make up our confusing and twisted relationship.

Because while this all happens, other things happen. Things that make my stomach turn and keep me up at night. Okay, maybe that’s a little bit of an exaggeration…

Our games that we play. The constant back and forth about what we are, what this is.

It kills me to see us in this stage of waiting and guessing. Even more so, playing.

18 days.

It’s been 18 days since we started up again and I already feel tossed and turned around. However, I can’t help but feel I am the happiest I have been this year. I need to be with you. I need to talk to you every day.

I need to see you all of the time.

You are a bad drug for me that I am addicted to.

Handsome, I can’t imagine going forward, what my days will be like. I hope this game keeps up. I hope that it has a happy ending.

I’m just not so sure.

xoxo

Your girl

mine to fall asleep in.

I don’t know how to say how I feel. I don’t know how to be. I don’t know where we stand.

One day, I feel amazing. The next day, I feel more amazing. Then we come to a crash and almost burn. We never burn. We never die. We never forget.

You and I are made to fit with each other. Our minds. Our lives. Somehow, we connect on all of the levels, but disconnect on equally as many. We put each other through so much pain and suffering with the lies and games that we play.

But we like it.

Because at the end of the day, I am yours and you are mine. When we lie together, we fit together like puzzle pieces. The world fades away when I am in your arms. I feel safe, but unsafe at the same time.

How can I be enclosed by someone and feel the most comforting feeling, but at the same time feel like I am going to be hurt not many moments later.

Our confusing relationship doesn’t make sense. All roads lead back to you, and somehow, we always take the same road.

None of this makes sense.

I am going crazy. You make me crazy.

Dear him…

You confuse me to no end. I can’t explain my feelings towards you because they are all over the place. My heart skips a beat when you text me, and skips two when you don’t. I love it when you make me feel special and I love it even more when you call me your girl.

That’s where the lovey-dovey feelings end.

If you are going to call me “your girl”. Or another phrase that implies something of that special nature…you better mean it. Don’t be the guy who can’t deliver. Don’t be the guy who tricks the girl into doing something that she knows (and you know) she doesn’t want to do. Don’t be the guy that you have told your sister not to date…

I don’t understand the logic behind all of this. You string me along until there is nothing left to string and you make me feel like I am wearing my heart on my sleeve. I am vulnerable, open and all yours and you make me feel like nothing more than a girl you used to know. Someone who should be lucky enough for you to text.

That’s not how our relationship should be. It’s not something for you to walk over. It’s not something you can leave whenever you feel like it. If you are going to call me yours, then own that.

Someday there will be a man. A man who sees me for how amazing I am. A man who knows how to treat a woman right and give her all that she deserves. Where will you be? Probably doing this to another poor girl who just fell for your sweetness and her desires in the beginning, realizing a little too far deep that she has been lied to, cheated and her heart has been ripped out of her chest.

And all for what? Because you need someone to blow off steam to? You need someone to fill your void?

I don’t hate you and never will. In fact, if you worked on changing your attitude and the way you behave when we are together…then you could be that man. That knight in shining armor who stands up to the world to say I’m yours and you’re mine.

Because that’s who the girl wants in the end. A man. Not a boy, not a guy, not a dude. A man.

So be a man. Because in the end it pays off. Sex lasts a night, love lasts forever. Don’t be “that guy”.

 

Sincerely,

“Your” girl.

ticking time bomb.

There is only so much time you have someone. You think you have the world, but you don’t. Time is running out.

I’m not trying to convey that we are all going to die some day – we are, but that’s not what I’m talking about.

For anyone who has been in a confusing, heart breaking, amazing, passionate, roller coaster relationship will know what I am talking about. You only have so much time until the next thing that causes you pain, the next thing that will break you down. And you don’t know where or when it is going to happen.

Recently, I got talking with an ex of mine. I hadn’t really talked to him for over six months and the last time we saw each other, we ended on a positive note. He wanted something different than I wanted and that was fine. However, I made it clear that what I wanted and needed from him was not going to change, so assuming that he knew that…I entered our revisited relationship this past week.

Being a couple with a long, long history dating back at least six years (if not longer), I took it seriously. We are always serious and always get back into our groove of texting, snapping each other, and talking on the phone. Then comes the serious conversation…what is this about. Are we finally going to admit that we like each other? Are we going to get back into doing what we should be doing…committing to one another.

Nope.

Stupid me thinks he has changed. Thinks that what he wants is something real…and honestly, I believe that “stupid” me is right. I think he does want something real. I just don’t think he wants to admit it. I know that sounds absurd and that there is a common knowledge of “if a guy wants you, he will make it known”. But I personally cannot believe that is true for EVERY SINGLE GUY IN THE WORLD. How could it be?

Many guys are afraid of commitment. They don’t want to admit that they like a girl because HEAVEN FORBID we follow monogamy. Because that would be terrible, right?

News flash to ALL OF THOSE GUYS. Calling me “my love” or saying “pretty girl” or calling me “baby”…implies something special. I take things at face value, and those words and phrases are associated (for me) with something that means something to you (especially “my love”).

I could ramble on forever and ever about this.

But I am going to end this now because it is probably the most disorganized post I have ever written.

he will never let me go.

I have tried to get rid of him. Tried over and over again. Yet, I can’t seem to shake him off. People make it sound so easy – delete his number, block him on Facebook…forget about him. But there is no delete button in your brain. More importantly, you don’t have control over him. His thoughts. His actions. In fact, you can get completely close to getting over him…and then he unravels the whole deal with a text.

We were over. I ended it. It was done.

Until one text. All it took was one text to completely change my day – my world. Not that I feel any differently.

If I step back and look at the situation…our history…it all seems clear. He’s an ass. It’s plain and simple.

However, up close. We are nothing and something. He is an ass and the leading man in my life. I am obsessed yet want to have nothing to do with. These opposites blur when I am up close and involved.

This is why people are confused. This is why ending it is never ending it. There is no “closure”. Because if the two of you don’t agree upon leaving each other alone forever…then being over doesn’t mean anything.

I hate feeling this way. I don’t like it one bit…want to know why? Because it is impossible to move on to the next person. It is impossible to move past it completely and fall in love with someone else – someone who can rock your world and steal your heart. Simply impossible when he doesn’t go away.