You tricked me. You fooled me into thinking that you were serious this time. That this time, you were being honest with me and yourself. But you weren’t. You completely and utterly played me just how you wanted and although you may not have directly benefited for it because I don’t feel you did, you still managed to break me. To erase everything that I have worked for for the past three years. Everything that I have done to get over you, you ruined it. You have completely ruined me. I am nothing without you. I am lifeless – alone, hurt, broken. It’s like I am out of my body and my body is just existing. Just sitting in the chair or lying in my bed or walking to and from school…the thoughts that circle my brain are only about you. I think about you, about your lips, about your words, about how you said you wanted everything – about how this time, we were going to be different. You said this time would be different.
I don’t know where to go from here.
I could call you on this bullshit you call a “friendship”. I could tell you how awful a person you are, how I think it is despicable that you would put a person through this…but in order to do that, I would have to believe it. I would have to cringe every time I see you. I would have to feel hatred every time you touched me. I would have to loathe you at the mention of your name.
But I don’t.
I don’t hate you. I don’t want you out of my life. I don’t want you to leave me alone. I want to love you. I want you in my life constantly. I want you to pay attention to me all the time. I want you. I want you. I want you.
That isn’t realistic though. Because you can’t be honest with me. You are never honest with me. I was so cautious at the beginning. I was skeptical and doubting and was concealing my heart for no one to know about – not even you. I didn’t want to show you my hand because that would mean you would know every move I would make. I was trying to be mysterious and interesting.
Refusing to meet with you. Being busy when you wanted to see me. Ignoring your messages until I felt that it was appropriate to respond. These are all tactics I used in order to keep myself on track. And then you told me everything. Everything that you were “feeling” and how this time was different.
And at that very moment, my hand was shown. The cards were dealt and our future expired. I didn’t know it, but that was the moment that you checked out. Hook, line, and sinker.
Look at me now. Where I am. Who I have become in such a short period of time.
Life is not live-able. I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to check my phone because I know there is nothing there waiting for me. No message from you. No missed calls. Just a few Instagram likes and maybe a missed alarm notification.
I am broken. You broke me.
So where do I go from here? Do I tell you how I feel and scare you away completely? Do I hide under the covers and wait until something comes of this re-connection? What do I do?
The ball is in your court.