it’s been a while, old friend.

Well, I have kind of abandoned this blog, haven’t I? Yes…I have. In fact, it has been so long, that the whole formatting has changed! Wow! Anyway, this is going to be an uber short post, and that is mainly because…there is nothing to tell. I am happy, I am single, and for once, I feel completely relaxed. I don’t have to worry about impressing anyone, because…I don’t have anyone to be impressed. The old me would be insanely weepy over this fact, but after just coming through a break up and finally getting over a guy I truly thought I was falling for, I am fine. I don’t want to ever go through it again. I have had way too many break ups in my short 21 year life, and I’m tired of it. So that is it. I am over messing with predictable, jerky, asshole-ish guys who don’t care at all about me.

In fact, I am holding out for the love of my life, who happens to live around the corner from me. He is my neighbour that I have known since I was 11. I have never spoken to him, but he is my type, his Mom loves and knows me and our dogs got married when I was 13. Connections. Unfortunately, when I was 13, he was 17 and could care less about a doggy wedding…

I am dead set on snagging his eye this summer, and while I am somewhat negative about how this will turn out…a tiny part of me is staying positive (thinking that I actually have a chance with this heavenly creature). Here is to a great summer and finding the love of my… oh who am I kidding. I will be as single in four months as I am sitting in my bed at 1 AM writing this reunion post. On the plus side, the sun is shining (not at this very moment, as it is night), and I get to wear all of my cute summer outfits again – with many new ones, I might add.

So maybe this wasn’t such a short post after all…doesn’t mean it wasn’t useless though – GOOD NIGHT…

vivid dreams.

You know when you have the most realistic dreams, and you wake up and curse because they are not real? I had one of those last night. I was in the most amazing dream land, with one of my old loves (or current, depends on how you look at it) and we were perfect together. There was no trouble, no drama, no issues and we were just in love. It was the fairytale ending and storybook lifestyle and we were the prince and princess – everything going so smoothly that it was magical.

Then…I woke up. You know what the best part was though? When I went back to sleep, I continued the dream – that’s how you know the dream is vivid and amazing – when it continues. However when my alarm went off the next morning, I felt disappointed and hopeful. Why can’t my life be like the life in the dream? Why can’t we be perfect?

All the details of that dream really showed me how it will never happen – we will never be together, we will never be the prince and princess and “us” will cease to exist. It’s never going to happen. Which makes me a little bit sad. Every time I see you on campus, I look away when I know that you are doing the same. At work, when I see you, I can feel your eyes burning into the back of my head, but I know in my heart that it doesn’t mean anything. Because you picked her. She is your woman crush wednesday, she is the love of your life, she is your everything…and here I am, you being my everything and nothing at the same time.

It really sucks. It really sucks. Our subconscious’ have figured it out…why can’t we?

this empty feeling.

I have wasted all of this time waiting. Waiting for you to come around and sweep me off my feet. It’s taken me this long to realize that you won’t come around. I should not be waiting for you and you shouldn’t wait for me – not that you do anyways. I don’t believe what you say, you mean nothing to me because you are not sorry. I can’t help but think that when you are talking to me, you are talking to her – thinking about her – instead of meaning the things you say to me. You have left me out, left me out of everything in your life and I just feel shut out.

It is leaving this hole in my stomach, heart and mind. I feel incomplete without you, but I feel incomplete with you as well. This hole is getting bigger with each lie you say to my face and every time you apologize, it pushes me further away because I know you are not sorry. You don’t care about me, and I’m starting to question who does? Who cares about me?

How can I feel wanted when people keep leaving? I am left behind day after day, month after month and I have had it. I have had it with this incomplete feeling that I keep feeling as the years roll by. I have given myself an ultimatum and that is waste my life or move on with my life, making you the one who is left behind.

The ironic thing is, is that you won’t realize what you had until I am in the clear, down the road and out of your life. All I need to do is not look back.

scars never heal…

When someone has heart surgery, they are left with a mark. Or I guess, it’s really a scar. Something is left behind – to remind them that in a moment, their world stopped. Their whole life stopped and someone had to cut through them to make it go forwards again.

When someone takes you by surprise and stops feeling, stops loving…you are left with a mark. A mark that no one can see. The only person that can see the scar is you. You don’t just see the scar…you feel the scar, you live with the scar and you know about what’s behind that scar. If someone were to cut into you, there would be no record of the mark ever being there. That’s because it goes so deep, it cannot be seen.

That is what happens when someone you love…someone you thought made your world go forwards, and keep moving forwards, leaves. When they walk out, that mark gets deeper and deeper. When they distance themselves, the wound grows and grows and it’s hard to heal it. In fact, you don’t ever heal…you are left behind with that very mark. That mark that reminds you over, and over again that he was once there. Whether you like it or not, you think and feel and live with that mark that will be there forever.

I keep searching for a way to undo this wound…to make it heal over and to never think about it again. Not possible. I truly believe that it cannot be done. I catch myself staring off into space, about something and someone that I don’t think I care about anymore. The problem is, when you are left with scar, after scar – mark after mark – you begin to feel like you are too damaged. Too many bruises and broken pieces, that maybe it’s not possible to be fully healthy, ever again. How can you love when you are still broken? How can you begin to put the pieces back together, when there are a million pieces? When was it so difficult?

The point is…scars never go away. They never heal.

diverging roads.

Do you ever get the feeling that you’re out of your body, looking down upon yourself? Like suddenly you are above everything and everyone, reviewing your actions from above. That feeling where you know that you are in total control of your body, but somehow, you have no control at all. Your mouth isn’t connected to your brain and your brain isn’t connected to your body…like everything is completely off kilter. These are common situations that happen in movie plots, book story lines…where it is all fiction. Made up.

This is real life. I am floating outside of my body, at 12:45 AM…watching myself. I’m lying on my bed, phone in hand, revisiting my past. My high school past. It’s almost like deja-vu. Unbelievable, unimaginable. Like the character of my life (me) is doing something that you don’t want it to do, but you have no control over how the story line is going to play out. It’s like as if I am not the writer of my own life…but I am.

Have I lost you yet?

After my pointless break up that happened just under a month ago, I went home for the holidays. Spent most of my long days with family, working or working out at the gym – anything to get my mind off him. Eventually, my open wounds healed, and only a tiny, little scar was left on my heart. Except, in healing that wound, I seemed to pick up some…viruses…on the way? Is that a good phrase? Maybe that’s too harsh… let’s just be literal now (sorry for the switch). Two of my past…”boyfriends” (to use the term really loosely) walked right back into my life, and I pretty  much opened the door for them. Now, I would not deem this to be bad, really. I like them both still, we have remained friends…but it’s what it has escalated to now that is the worry.

This is the part where I feel movie-esque. As if someone else is writing my lines. At 12:45 AM, on a night I should be fast asleep because I have the early shift tomorrow…I am talking to both of these guys. One, of whom was almost my high school sweetheart and the other whom I had a rock relationship with in high school. Confusing, right? Try to stay with me. I had a little meltdown tonight…in speaking with my “almost-love”, we opened some stuff from the past that was pure upsetting, so I turned to my “not-so-almost-love” to vent and talk about my recent break up. Great decision, eh?

I don’t know where I am going with this. I just feel so out of it. I really should just turn off my phone and go to bed…as if it isn’t worse enough that I have to haul my ass out of bed at 7:30.

Good night.

one month later.

I’m sure many of you know by now that I like to write out “fake” letters to the ones that I can’t stand the most. In other words, my exes get a personal, very hateful, or telling letter from me…except they never get it. It’s a good tool to use, actually. If you want to blow off some steam (apart from writing on a blog), it sometimes feels GREAT to hit that ‘Send’ button, knowing that no one will read it on the other end. You get the satisfaction by tricking your brain into thinking that the other person has read it, when you don’t have to deal with the burning of bridges that it may cause. I highly recommend it. Anyways, I am including, in this post, a modified version of the letter I wrote tonight to my most recent ex-boyfriend. Enjoy!

—-

Dear Ex,

I would be lying to you if I said that I haven’t thought about you at all these past couple of weeks. I have thought about you a fair amount, actually. About how you look, where you come from, who you are. Then, I thought about what you did, what we did, what we didn’t do, and what we never got to do. How all of the things that we did do now seem…pointless. Meaningless, even. I’ve cried, I’ve laughed, I’ve gone through several fits of rage in which I have lulled myself with a good episode of Grey’s Anatomy and a reasonable sized glass of wine. I think that I have gone through each and every emotion that exists on this planet.

I’ve realized something, however. I don’t think any of those emotions, at the core, really have anything to do with you. Nope. Because when I think about us, what we meant to each other…I don’t feel sad. I don’t care, to be brutally honest. You were just a filler, a rebound, maybe. Or even something to distract me from my real issues. Because, believe me, I had real issues…and to some extent…still do have real issues.

You see, there was a lot that I never told you about me. I never got into any of my past “relationships”, simply  because…you never asked. That’s a problem, right there. Why did you never ask? I heard plenty about your psychotic ex-girlfriend, and some about who else you had dated. I could even list the girls that you were involved with. Then there’s your “best friend”, who conveniently happens to be the most feminine girl I have ever met in my life. Oh, you say she is merely a friend…but I’m not a stupid girl. I know who she is. She is nice to your face, but then the first time she likes to play Call of Duty or go to the bar to ‘throw one back with the guys’, she’s the coolest girl in the entire world. She is the girl that no girlfriend wants around.

As I was saying…my past “relationships”. Now that’s the thing – I didn’t ever have relationships, as you may call them, but they were still guys who were a big deal to me in my life. Not once did you ever care to know about. Had you had asked about them, you would have known that I never could have been in love with you. We never would have made it there…because I am already in love with someone from my past. I can’t get over him and that’s why I am writing this letter.

In many ways, this break up came at just the right time. In other ways, I should hate you in a million ways. Don’t get me wrong, I do hate you. There aren’t enough words to describe how I feel about you right now. I can’t stand to look at your face. I can’t stand to think about all the false and untrue things you said to me. I can’t bear the thought that you actually said you loved me. Clearly you don’t value the meaning of the word…because you, sir, do not love me. You never did love me. You do not turn on the ones you love and you turned on me in a major way. You blind sighted me. It was out of nowhere.

So thank you. Thank you for breaking my heart. Because had you not broken my heart, I would not have come to the realization that you are a complete ass. If you asked me a month ago, what your flaws were? My list would be tiny, minuscule, and I probably would not have answered. If you ask me now? I could go on all night. I have compiled this imaginary list in my brain, and Sparky, I could go on forever.

I hope you make her happy…you know who I am talking about. At this point, it’s your best friend, or the psychotic ex-girlfriend. Good luck sweetheart because I am better than both of them.

–Me

Now, some of that may be harsh…but the truth hurts, right? Now you know why I don’t actually send the letters….

to delete or not to delete.

Think about yourself for a moment. Do you save everything? Do you discard things that you don’t need? Do you have a special box where you place the momentous things that you have collected throughout your life? I seem to keep everything. I often wonder why this is. Why I save every little piece of paper with a cute note on it. Or why I hang on to the notes that I passed in class in fourth grade. What use or those to me? Is it because I will look at those notes and remember the conversation? Nope. In fact, I look at some of these scraps that I have saved over the years and wonder what the hell I was thinking when I wrote them.

Why do these things matter? Why do text conversations matter? Do we really need to save all of our emails? I do. Apparently, I need to save everything. It keeps us in the past and reminds us of the memories that were once reality. What used to be our life. Pictures are worth a thousand words, and those words build the memories of our childhood, adolescence and adulthood. Every little scrap, every note, make who we are today. Ten years from now, a grocery list won’t matter to you. Ten years from now, this blog post, might matter to me. I will read this back and think of what I was feeling…or maybe I won’t

Why are we so hung up on saving these things, which ultimately are our feelings? We save these thoughts that we write down in journals, on blogs, in diaries and later we will read them back and judge ourselves – why did we feel that way? How could we have thought that? Why did we make that choice? This is all because that is the person we used to be…or maybe still are.

On the other hand, why do we save people? Why do we choose certain people to be our friends on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter…when in ten years…we may never want to see them again. Ex boyfriends are kept and frenemies are left, remaining on our pages, having a tell-all into our lives. But when it comes time to hit that delete button…there is hesitation. And if the delete button is pressed, there is instant regret or contemplation as to if that was the right move. Maybe we will get back together…then it is awkward to do the “re-add”…so I’ll just keep him on there. Yet, keeping that ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend on there is the door to regret in and of itself. Seeing what they are doing, looking at who they are dating now…who you have been replaced with…is hard.

You are probably thinking, whoa, this blog post just took a turn for the worse. But you had to know that I was going somewhere with this, right? I mean, I did just go through a rather minor break up, but I will admit…there is a scar. Hearts are broken and re-built – put back together. Each time you put that heart back together, a scar is added. The scars accumulate over the years – whether it is due to an unattainable, special someone who never knew you existed, or a significant other that you were die hard, in love with (and he was actually involved). Scars happen. What is the real killer is deleting them.

To delete them from your phone, social media, journal (even), is deleting them from your life. They are gone. It is probably the hardest thing to accept when going through a breakup. Which is why so many people don’t do it. I am going to admit right now, I haven’t deleted my most recent ex, and most of my exes, in fact. They are still there, because it is too painful. And not to mention, there is still hope. That tiny sliver of hope that rests in a very special part of your brain. It never surfaces…but part of you wishes that if all of these things were changed, if all the flaws and horrors of that past relationship were repaired…then that hope would resurface and you would be the happiest person on earth.

Newsflash…never going to happen. But it is nice to have a dream. It is nice to believe in something, or hang onto the something that used to be you, the couple. Togetherness. Fun fact about me, I have kept him on all of my social media pages, I still have his number and I even kept him on SnapChat. Do I need to? Nope. In fact, it is probably dangerous that I have him on all of this…but I can’t bear to remove him. Removing him is permanent. I have a trick though! (For instagram, at least). When I scroll through the daily posts, I only show the first line (containing the username) of the person who posted…so I can’t see the picture. If it’s his, I shut my eyes and scroll for two or three seconds…until his picture is off my screen. Clever, or pathetic? I would say it is a mix of both. SnapChat? I NEVER view his stories…that is a no-no, for sure if you are trying to get over him.

Hmmm…maybe I should do a separate post about my tips and tricks (I have a lot of them…)

Well, what a way to close the post, look for that additional post. My list of tips and tricks is building.