dear handsome.

I wanted to write this to you and only you. You deserve a special letter your way because you are my world right now. I am going to spill my feelings here, because I can’t for the life of me brings myself to spill it out to you at this moment in time.

When your name reads across my screen, my stomach flips. A giant smile spreads across my face and all I can think of is you. All I want is you. This feeling of home and comfort warms my body and all I can think of is being nestled under your neck, your arms wrapped safely around me.

I think of watching movies with you. Those moments you have lifted me up, when I am down. Those times that I want to kiss you, but hold back to play hard to get. All of these moments make up our confusing and twisted relationship.

Because while this all happens, other things happen. Things that make my stomach turn and keep me up at night. Okay, maybe that’s a little bit of an exaggeration…

Our games that we play. The constant back and forth about what we are, what this is.

It kills me to see us in this stage of waiting and guessing. Even more so, playing.

18 days.

It’s been 18 days since we started up again and I already feel tossed and turned around. However, I can’t help but feel I am the happiest I have been this year. I need to be with you. I need to talk to you every day.

I need to see you all of the time.

You are a bad drug for me that I am addicted to.

Handsome, I can’t imagine going forward, what my days will be like. I hope this game keeps up. I hope that it has a happy ending.

I’m just not so sure.

xoxo

Your girl

mine to fall asleep in.

I don’t know how to say how I feel. I don’t know how to be. I don’t know where we stand.

One day, I feel amazing. The next day, I feel more amazing. Then we come to a crash and almost burn. We never burn. We never die. We never forget.

You and I are made to fit with each other. Our minds. Our lives. Somehow, we connect on all of the levels, but disconnect on equally as many. We put each other through so much pain and suffering with the lies and games that we play.

But we like it.

Because at the end of the day, I am yours and you are mine. When we lie together, we fit together like puzzle pieces. The world fades away when I am in your arms. I feel safe, but unsafe at the same time.

How can I be enclosed by someone and feel the most comforting feeling, but at the same time feel like I am going to be hurt not many moments later.

Our confusing relationship doesn’t make sense. All roads lead back to you, and somehow, we always take the same road.

None of this makes sense.

I am going crazy. You make me crazy.

Dear him…

You confuse me to no end. I can’t explain my feelings towards you because they are all over the place. My heart skips a beat when you text me, and skips two when you don’t. I love it when you make me feel special and I love it even more when you call me your girl.

That’s where the lovey-dovey feelings end.

If you are going to call me “your girl”. Or another phrase that implies something of that special nature…you better mean it. Don’t be the guy who can’t deliver. Don’t be the guy who tricks the girl into doing something that she knows (and you know) she doesn’t want to do. Don’t be the guy that you have told your sister not to date…

I don’t understand the logic behind all of this. You string me along until there is nothing left to string and you make me feel like I am wearing my heart on my sleeve. I am vulnerable, open and all yours and you make me feel like nothing more than a girl you used to know. Someone who should be lucky enough for you to text.

That’s not how our relationship should be. It’s not something for you to walk over. It’s not something you can leave whenever you feel like it. If you are going to call me yours, then own that.

Someday there will be a man. A man who sees me for how amazing I am. A man who knows how to treat a woman right and give her all that she deserves. Where will you be? Probably doing this to another poor girl who just fell for your sweetness and her desires in the beginning, realizing a little too far deep that she has been lied to, cheated and her heart has been ripped out of her chest.

And all for what? Because you need someone to blow off steam to? You need someone to fill your void?

I don’t hate you and never will. In fact, if you worked on changing your attitude and the way you behave when we are together…then you could be that man. That knight in shining armor who stands up to the world to say I’m yours and you’re mine.

Because that’s who the girl wants in the end. A man. Not a boy, not a guy, not a dude. A man.

So be a man. Because in the end it pays off. Sex lasts a night, love lasts forever. Don’t be “that guy”.

 

Sincerely,

“Your” girl.

ticking time bomb.

There is only so much time you have someone. You think you have the world, but you don’t. Time is running out.

I’m not trying to convey that we are all going to die some day – we are, but that’s not what I’m talking about.

For anyone who has been in a confusing, heart breaking, amazing, passionate, roller coaster relationship will know what I am talking about. You only have so much time until the next thing that causes you pain, the next thing that will break you down. And you don’t know where or when it is going to happen.

Recently, I got talking with an ex of mine. I hadn’t really talked to him for over six months and the last time we saw each other, we ended on a positive note. He wanted something different than I wanted and that was fine. However, I made it clear that what I wanted and needed from him was not going to change, so assuming that he knew that…I entered our revisited relationship this past week.

Being a couple with a long, long history dating back at least six years (if not longer), I took it seriously. We are always serious and always get back into our groove of texting, snapping each other, and talking on the phone. Then comes the serious conversation…what is this about. Are we finally going to admit that we like each other? Are we going to get back into doing what we should be doing…committing to one another.

Nope.

Stupid me thinks he has changed. Thinks that what he wants is something real…and honestly, I believe that “stupid” me is right. I think he does want something real. I just don’t think he wants to admit it. I know that sounds absurd and that there is a common knowledge of “if a guy wants you, he will make it known”. But I personally cannot believe that is true for EVERY SINGLE GUY IN THE WORLD. How could it be?

Many guys are afraid of commitment. They don’t want to admit that they like a girl because HEAVEN FORBID we follow monogamy. Because that would be terrible, right?

News flash to ALL OF THOSE GUYS. Calling me “my love” or saying “pretty girl” or calling me “baby”…implies something special. I take things at face value, and those words and phrases are associated (for me) with something that means something to you (especially “my love”).

I could ramble on forever and ever about this.

But I am going to end this now because it is probably the most disorganized post I have ever written.

he will never let me go.

I have tried to get rid of him. Tried over and over again. Yet, I can’t seem to shake him off. People make it sound so easy – delete his number, block him on Facebook…forget about him. But there is no delete button in your brain. More importantly, you don’t have control over him. His thoughts. His actions. In fact, you can get completely close to getting over him…and then he unravels the whole deal with a text.

We were over. I ended it. It was done.

Until one text. All it took was one text to completely change my day – my world. Not that I feel any differently.

If I step back and look at the situation…our history…it all seems clear. He’s an ass. It’s plain and simple.

However, up close. We are nothing and something. He is an ass and the leading man in my life. I am obsessed yet want to have nothing to do with. These opposites blur when I am up close and involved.

This is why people are confused. This is why ending it is never ending it. There is no “closure”. Because if the two of you don’t agree upon leaving each other alone forever…then being over doesn’t mean anything.

I hate feeling this way. I don’t like it one bit…want to know why? Because it is impossible to move on to the next person. It is impossible to move past it completely and fall in love with someone else – someone who can rock your world and steal your heart. Simply impossible when he doesn’t go away.

it’s always too good to be true.

You tricked me. You fooled me into thinking that you were serious this time. That this time, you were being honest with me and yourself. But you weren’t. You completely and utterly played me just how you wanted and although you may not have directly benefited for it because I don’t feel you did, you still managed to break me. To erase everything that I have worked for for the past three years. Everything that I have done to get over you, you ruined it. You have completely ruined me. I am nothing without you. I am lifeless – alone, hurt, broken. It’s like I am out of my body and my body is just existing. Just sitting in the chair or lying in my bed or walking to and from school…the thoughts that circle my brain are only about you. I think about you, about your lips, about your words, about how you said you wanted everything – about how this time, we were going to be different. You said this time would be different.

I don’t know where to go from here.

I could call you on this bullshit you call a “friendship”. I could tell you how awful a person you are, how I think it is despicable that you would put a person through this…but in order to do that, I would have to believe it. I would have to cringe every time I see you. I would have to feel hatred every time you touched me. I would have to loathe you at the mention of your name.

But I don’t.

I don’t hate you. I don’t want you out of my life. I don’t want you to leave me alone. I want to love you. I want you in my life constantly. I want you to pay attention to me all the time. I want you. I want you. I want you.

That isn’t realistic though. Because you can’t be honest with me. You are never honest with me. I was so cautious at the beginning. I was skeptical and doubting and was concealing my heart for no one to know about – not even you. I didn’t want to show you my hand because that would mean you would know every move I would make. I was trying to be mysterious and interesting.

Refusing to meet with you. Being busy when you wanted to see me. Ignoring your messages until I felt that it was appropriate to respond. These are all tactics I used in order to keep myself on track. And then you told me everything. Everything that you were “feeling” and how this time was different.

And at that very moment, my hand was shown. The cards were dealt and our future expired. I didn’t know it, but that was the moment that you checked out. Hook, line, and sinker.

Look at me now. Where I am. Who I have become in such a short period of time.

Life is not live-able. I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to check my phone because I know there is nothing there waiting for me. No message from you. No missed calls. Just a few Instagram likes and maybe a missed alarm notification.

I am broken. You broke me.

So where do I go from here? Do I tell you how I feel and scare you away completely? Do I hide under the covers and wait until something comes of this re-connection? What do I do?

The ball is in your court.

As always.

 

they always return.

I forgive, but I never forget. This is kind of the theme of the week, if you ask me. I don’t know why this happens…but it seems as if any time you begin to think of someone – someone that you haven’t spoken to…in a LONG time – they end of reaching out. Did that happen to me? Absolutely. This week has been a literal blast from the past. On Monday, I received a message from an ex – an ex that I really haven’t been involved with for three years. Of all times, why did it have to be now? When I am feeling the most single…the most desperate (as much I would never admit that to anyone…it’s totally true).

We didn’t end on the best of terms and although we have spoken since we split, it has never really gone “well”. We always used to fight, and it always seemed as if he didn’t understand ANYTHING that I was saying (men, right?). Well, one week ago, he apologized…for all of it. For the nasty things he said, for the shitty things that he did…everything.

Since it has been three long years since all of that went down, I thought about what I wanted to come of this. Did I want him back? I didn’t know. Did I even want to keep in contact with him? After we both graduate this year, I literally will never see him again…so why not let it die and move on with my life? Of course, as many of my ladies out there know…that is really hard. Especially when someone has come crawling back, admitting that he was wrong and you were right (because you knew you were right all along, and someday he would figure that out). He did!!

I took a couple of days to figure it out in my head. Go over potential scenarios…and ultimately decide what I wanted. I came up with a plan, and handled it. I returned his message, basically stating that I appreciated his possible and it was about time he realized he was in the wrong for what he has done. He was in complete agreement with me and not only that, he told me that he made a huge mistake letting me go. I rarely hear that from guys, I don’t know about you…but that meant a lot to me.

So I am giving him a trial run. The thing is…(and he doesn’t know this…yet)…I am slowly slipping into that dependent girl that I once was. I hang around, waiting for him to message me, wait for him to respond to me and constantly analyze what I am going to say back so that he doesn’t ignore my message.

This guy is like a drug to me and I am TOTALLY addicted.

Needless to say, I have been bumping my “sad romance” playlist all week. I don’t know how far this can go. I need to go slow or I will lose track of the plan that I have.

One more thing to add to the pile? My friends don’t know. You see, he’s not their favourite person and for the things that he has done and put me through in the past, they are not fans of this boy. I don’t want them to judge based on this instant connection we have rekindled. I don’t know how long it is going to last – he could change his mind and pull the plug in a week, or I could do that same thing. So until I know that this is real and something that I can depend or rely on from him, my friends are being left out of it.

No need to put them through my drama for nothing. Additionally, I don’t really want their advice. Any of it. The only person that I have told is my Mom, and she has told me to follow my heart. Forgive but never forget. I miss him. I remember all of our little things…which is what gets me. That’s what gets you, right? When you remember all of the sweet little things that you shared just between you.

Like looking at the clock at a certain time. Or like the secret kisses that we used to steal away from each other. Or when he used to sit at the back of lecture, and when he saw me he would text me ‘look up’ and smile at me with such kind eyes. I remember all of that and that was three years ago.

Nobody has made me feel like that in all the guys I have dated since and before him. He puts me under a spell. Something that words cannot explain.

I don’t want to say good bye, and I don’t know how I can move on from him. So this rekindling of a friendship or relationship or whatever this is…is good. For now. And I don’t need anyone else’s two cents put in on this one.

There…I have vented. I am finished. Phew.