I forgive, but I never forget. This is kind of the theme of the week, if you ask me. I don’t know why this happens…but it seems as if any time you begin to think of someone – someone that you haven’t spoken to…in a LONG time – they end of reaching out. Did that happen to me? Absolutely. This week has been a literal blast from the past. On Monday, I received a message from an ex – an ex that I really haven’t been involved with for three years. Of all times, why did it have to be now? When I am feeling the most single…the most desperate (as much I would never admit that to anyone…it’s totally true).
We didn’t end on the best of terms and although we have spoken since we split, it has never really gone “well”. We always used to fight, and it always seemed as if he didn’t understand ANYTHING that I was saying (men, right?). Well, one week ago, he apologized…for all of it. For the nasty things he said, for the shitty things that he did…everything.
Since it has been three long years since all of that went down, I thought about what I wanted to come of this. Did I want him back? I didn’t know. Did I even want to keep in contact with him? After we both graduate this year, I literally will never see him again…so why not let it die and move on with my life? Of course, as many of my ladies out there know…that is really hard. Especially when someone has come crawling back, admitting that he was wrong and you were right (because you knew you were right all along, and someday he would figure that out). He did!!
I took a couple of days to figure it out in my head. Go over potential scenarios…and ultimately decide what I wanted. I came up with a plan, and handled it. I returned his message, basically stating that I appreciated his possible and it was about time he realized he was in the wrong for what he has done. He was in complete agreement with me and not only that, he told me that he made a huge mistake letting me go. I rarely hear that from guys, I don’t know about you…but that meant a lot to me.
So I am giving him a trial run. The thing is…(and he doesn’t know this…yet)…I am slowly slipping into that dependent girl that I once was. I hang around, waiting for him to message me, wait for him to respond to me and constantly analyze what I am going to say back so that he doesn’t ignore my message.
This guy is like a drug to me and I am TOTALLY addicted.
Needless to say, I have been bumping my “sad romance” playlist all week. I don’t know how far this can go. I need to go slow or I will lose track of the plan that I have.
One more thing to add to the pile? My friends don’t know. You see, he’s not their favourite person and for the things that he has done and put me through in the past, they are not fans of this boy. I don’t want them to judge based on this instant connection we have rekindled. I don’t know how long it is going to last – he could change his mind and pull the plug in a week, or I could do that same thing. So until I know that this is real and something that I can depend or rely on from him, my friends are being left out of it.
No need to put them through my drama for nothing. Additionally, I don’t really want their advice. Any of it. The only person that I have told is my Mom, and she has told me to follow my heart. Forgive but never forget. I miss him. I remember all of our little things…which is what gets me. That’s what gets you, right? When you remember all of the sweet little things that you shared just between you.
Like looking at the clock at a certain time. Or like the secret kisses that we used to steal away from each other. Or when he used to sit at the back of lecture, and when he saw me he would text me ‘look up’ and smile at me with such kind eyes. I remember all of that and that was three years ago.
Nobody has made me feel like that in all the guys I have dated since and before him. He puts me under a spell. Something that words cannot explain.
I don’t want to say good bye, and I don’t know how I can move on from him. So this rekindling of a friendship or relationship or whatever this is…is good. For now. And I don’t need anyone else’s two cents put in on this one.
There…I have vented. I am finished. Phew.