the ramblings of the night owl.

I haven’t written here in a long time. Every time I revisit this diary of mine, I swear to myself that I will write more often, that I will post more…but really…it’s all a lie. Because this is my outlet – a place where I can vent, out my feelings…in total anonymity. This blog is my best friend in the sense that it knows all of my secrets. Between the lines of text are memories. Certain words trigger thoughts in my head that I don’t normally think of. It’s almost like it all comes out of the wood work whenever I tap into this at 1 AM.

How have I been? Should I do the typical “work’s great, school sucks” routine? Or should I dive into why I’m logged on at 1:13 AM on a Saturday night…one week before I move back to college.

The latter seems suitable, don’t you think?

I’m boring. Well, tonight I am. I have nothing to bitch and complain about because…nothing is happening. Other than me watching 50 Shades of Grey, American Pie and stuffing my face full of little Reese’s Pieces…nothing is going on. Guy wise? Zilch.

You think that I would be knee deep in a summer fling’s end right now (I look like that type, right? Well, you wouldn’t know…)? Nope. Not one boy. Not even close. Unless you count an old elementary friend messaging me for absolutely no reason at all. Why don’t we start there?

Pretty simple story line, actually. He messaged me after close to seven years of not saying a word to one another (even through high school), and asks me out. Fine. Except he doesn’t set a date, time or place…so I don’t count that as being asked out. He might as well of just asked me to come over, take my clothes off and not say a word (hint of 50 Shades coming through here…oops). So right off the bat…I wasn’t overly impressed or considered him as a contender.

Until we started talking literally every day. It was casual talk, nothing flirty really and nothing suggestive (as I carefully avoided). Only because I didn’t want to lead him on…because, really, he doesn’t have even a tiny shot at taking me out.

Note: my standards/expectations exist now.

I grew accustomed to receiving a text each day…but now it’s tweedled off (yes that’s a word). And good riddens’…but at the same time…I have no boys, prospects at all and I’m alone watching at fantasizing late at night to 50 Shades of Grey!

Maybe I should just go to bed now…

my desires.

Once you have had it, you need it. Every taste, every pleasure, every desire. When taken away, and left for a long time, time clicks by slowly and painfully. The wishful hope of some day, tasting those tastes again, feeling the touch of soft skin, feelings relishing your very soul. It’s like a drug that needs to be taken…and once you run out, you seek out more, desperately trying to fill the void left behind.

That is a desire.

Once combined with that of another kind of being – the beating, the fluttering, the feeling that longs for a different kind of void to be filled…things complicate. The two crash together causing a world of heart ache and chronic pain that continually lasts until the last piece is found to the puzzle. Until you can rest your head at night, knowing that all is well in your world.

It’s a shame that the two don’t go hand in hand. Fulfilling desires while ridding yourself of the emptiness in your soul. Finding that last puzzle piece. Knowing that everything will be okay.

it’s been a while, old friend.

Well, I have kind of abandoned this blog, haven’t I? Yes…I have. In fact, it has been so long, that the whole formatting has changed! Wow! Anyway, this is going to be an uber short post, and that is mainly because…there is nothing to tell. I am happy, I am single, and for once, I feel completely relaxed. I don’t have to worry about impressing anyone, because…I don’t have anyone to be impressed. The old me would be insanely weepy over this fact, but after just coming through a break up and finally getting over a guy I truly thought I was falling for, I am fine. I don’t want to ever go through it again. I have had way too many break ups in my short 21 year life, and I’m tired of it. So that is it. I am over messing with predictable, jerky, asshole-ish guys who don’t care at all about me.

In fact, I am holding out for the love of my life, who happens to live around the corner from me. He is my neighbour that I have known since I was 11. I have never spoken to him, but he is my type, his Mom loves and knows me and our dogs got married when I was 13. Connections. Unfortunately, when I was 13, he was 17 and could care less about a doggy wedding…

I am dead set on snagging his eye this summer, and while I am somewhat negative about how this will turn out…a tiny part of me is staying positive (thinking that I actually have a chance with this heavenly creature). Here is to a great summer and finding the love of my… oh who am I kidding. I will be as single in four months as I am sitting in my bed at 1 AM writing this reunion post. On the plus side, the sun is shining (not at this very moment, as it is night), and I get to wear all of my cute summer outfits again – with many new ones, I might add.

So maybe this wasn’t such a short post after all…doesn’t mean it wasn’t useless though – GOOD NIGHT…

vivid dreams.

You know when you have the most realistic dreams, and you wake up and curse because they are not real? I had one of those last night. I was in the most amazing dream land, with one of my old loves (or current, depends on how you look at it) and we were perfect together. There was no trouble, no drama, no issues and we were just in love. It was the fairytale ending and storybook lifestyle and we were the prince and princess – everything going so smoothly that it was magical.

Then…I woke up. You know what the best part was though? When I went back to sleep, I continued the dream – that’s how you know the dream is vivid and amazing – when it continues. However when my alarm went off the next morning, I felt disappointed and hopeful. Why can’t my life be like the life in the dream? Why can’t we be perfect?

All the details of that dream really showed me how it will never happen – we will never be together, we will never be the prince and princess and “us” will cease to exist. It’s never going to happen. Which makes me a little bit sad. Every time I see you on campus, I look away when I know that you are doing the same. At work, when I see you, I can feel your eyes burning into the back of my head, but I know in my heart that it doesn’t mean anything. Because you picked her. She is your woman crush wednesday, she is the love of your life, she is your everything…and here I am, you being my everything and nothing at the same time.

It really sucks. It really sucks. Our subconscious’ have figured it out…why can’t we?

this empty feeling.

I have wasted all of this time waiting. Waiting for you to come around and sweep me off my feet. It’s taken me this long to realize that you won’t come around. I should not be waiting for you and you shouldn’t wait for me – not that you do anyways. I don’t believe what you say, you mean nothing to me because you are not sorry. I can’t help but think that when you are talking to me, you are talking to her – thinking about her – instead of meaning the things you say to me. You have left me out, left me out of everything in your life and I just feel shut out.

It is leaving this hole in my stomach, heart and mind. I feel incomplete without you, but I feel incomplete with you as well. This hole is getting bigger with each lie you say to my face and every time you apologize, it pushes me further away because I know you are not sorry. You don’t care about me, and I’m starting to question who does? Who cares about me?

How can I feel wanted when people keep leaving? I am left behind day after day, month after month and I have had it. I have had it with this incomplete feeling that I keep feeling as the years roll by. I have given myself an ultimatum and that is waste my life or move on with my life, making you the one who is left behind.

The ironic thing is, is that you won’t realize what you had until I am in the clear, down the road and out of your life. All I need to do is not look back.

scars never heal…

When someone has heart surgery, they are left with a mark. Or I guess, it’s really a scar. Something is left behind – to remind them that in a moment, their world stopped. Their whole life stopped and someone had to cut through them to make it go forwards again.

When someone takes you by surprise and stops feeling, stops loving…you are left with a mark. A mark that no one can see. The only person that can see the scar is you. You don’t just see the scar…you feel the scar, you live with the scar and you know about what’s behind that scar. If someone were to cut into you, there would be no record of the mark ever being there. That’s because it goes so deep, it cannot be seen.

That is what happens when someone you love…someone you thought made your world go forwards, and keep moving forwards, leaves. When they walk out, that mark gets deeper and deeper. When they distance themselves, the wound grows and grows and it’s hard to heal it. In fact, you don’t ever heal…you are left behind with that very mark. That mark that reminds you over, and over again that he was once there. Whether you like it or not, you think and feel and live with that mark that will be there forever.

I keep searching for a way to undo this wound…to make it heal over and to never think about it again. Not possible. I truly believe that it cannot be done. I catch myself staring off into space, about something and someone that I don’t think I care about anymore. The problem is, when you are left with scar, after scar – mark after mark – you begin to feel like you are too damaged. Too many bruises and broken pieces, that maybe it’s not possible to be fully healthy, ever again. How can you love when you are still broken? How can you begin to put the pieces back together, when there are a million pieces? When was it so difficult?

The point is…scars never go away. They never heal.

diverging roads.

Do you ever get the feeling that you’re out of your body, looking down upon yourself? Like suddenly you are above everything and everyone, reviewing your actions from above. That feeling where you know that you are in total control of your body, but somehow, you have no control at all. Your mouth isn’t connected to your brain and your brain isn’t connected to your body…like everything is completely off kilter. These are common situations that happen in movie plots, book story lines…where it is all fiction. Made up.

This is real life. I am floating outside of my body, at 12:45 AM…watching myself. I’m lying on my bed, phone in hand, revisiting my past. My high school past. It’s almost like deja-vu. Unbelievable, unimaginable. Like the character of my life (me) is doing something that you don’t want it to do, but you have no control over how the story line is going to play out. It’s like as if I am not the writer of my own life…but I am.

Have I lost you yet?

After my pointless break up that happened just under a month ago, I went home for the holidays. Spent most of my long days with family, working or working out at the gym – anything to get my mind off him. Eventually, my open wounds healed, and only a tiny, little scar was left on my heart. Except, in healing that wound, I seemed to pick up some…viruses…on the way? Is that a good phrase? Maybe that’s too harsh… let’s just be literal now (sorry for the switch). Two of my past…”boyfriends” (to use the term really loosely) walked right back into my life, and I pretty  much opened the door for them. Now, I would not deem this to be bad, really. I like them both still, we have remained friends…but it’s what it has escalated to now that is the worry.

This is the part where I feel movie-esque. As if someone else is writing my lines. At 12:45 AM, on a night I should be fast asleep because I have the early shift tomorrow…I am talking to both of these guys. One, of whom was almost my high school sweetheart and the other whom I had a rock relationship with in high school. Confusing, right? Try to stay with me. I had a little meltdown tonight…in speaking with my “almost-love”, we opened some stuff from the past that was pure upsetting, so I turned to my “not-so-almost-love” to vent and talk about my recent break up. Great decision, eh?

I don’t know where I am going with this. I just feel so out of it. I really should just turn off my phone and go to bed…as if it isn’t worse enough that I have to haul my ass out of bed at 7:30.

Good night.