There have been multiple people who have walked into my life, only to walk right back out, what feels like, moments later. It seems to happen often…but this time is different. Whenever someone has walked out of my life, I am usually the one holding the door, holding on to something to remember them by. I watch them leave, but know that I’ll be okay in the long run. I will survive, seeing them on the street or at the grocery store each week. It’s a simple process. They don’t ever stay long enough to etch memories into my brain. The smells, the laughter, the good feelings. All of those good things that turn to bad things in an instant. Few people have caused that to happen to me directly.
Sure, I feel sad and lonely when people leave…but people always leave. This isn’t a new thing anymore. It is common. But you? You’re not common. You’re new. The feeling I get when I think of you is consuming – it consumes me entirely. I can’t breathe, sleep, eat…do anything without you surfacing to thought. Everything reminds me of you – even when I don’t want it to. I don’t want to think of you, dream of you, see you, talk to you…I don’t want anything to do with you at this point.
My heart says otherwise, however.
My heart wants you to lie beside me the whole night, covering my body with yours. My heart wants you to pick me up and kiss me like you once did. My heart wants to consume you, instead of the opposite. It wants what it wants. It’s that cliche fact that the heart wants what the mind doesn’t. Everything about you, my mind rejects. I am stubborn when it comes to you…but my heart doesn’t seem to care. It is because of that very organ that I check your statuses everyday to see what you have been up to, and it is my mind that forces me to close the app before I can send you a message.
They play for different teams, my mind and my heart. It’s the way it has always been. People say that having a relationship is hard…I would say that not having a relationship is harder.
But that’s just my mind talking…