current feeling is numb.

I really have nothing to think about anymore. I have replayed our moments together over and over in my head. The happy ones, the…well the happy ones because there were only happy ones. We didn’t end with a bang. We didn’t end with us hating each other. We just…ended. No questions asked. No explanation given. Now it’s like we never existed, “us” never happened. It’s eerie to me. How it can all be over so quickly with no closure or follow up provided. I want to call you. I want to hear your voice and feel your kiss on the top of my head. I want to pull on your hoodie that always kept me so warm and cuddle up next to you, nestling my head into your neck. I felt safe. I felt comfortable. I was falling.

Falling for you. Falling for all the words you said to me. Every word that melted my heart a tad more.

I don’t cry any more. My tears are gone. I don’t get angry any longer because there is nothing to be angry about. I am just…here. Living. Breathing. As if we never existed. I can’t help but feel that something is missing.

I just hope you come back one day. One day, we can make this work. That’s pathetic me talking, but in a perfect world, this never would have happened…and maybe soon you will realize that.

seeing the little things.

I thought you were there. You were there, always, when I needed you. When I cried, when I wanted to laugh – needed to laugh. So much of my heart left with you when you stepped out of that car. You kissed me good bye and made off with my trust, my love, and my meaning. Everything I had, I gave to you. Had I known that you would do what you did, I would have locked them up and thrown away the key.

Everything was shattered on that day. Everything that you took, you destroyed and didn’t care to look back at the mess you had created. My tears puddled on the ground as I tried to pick up the pieces of the life that you had just ruined – the pieces of our life. The life that we had together.

Being heart broken is an interesting feat. It leaves you empty, and makes you feel like no one in the entire world understands what you are going through. It keeps you up at night and makes you want to crawl back into bed all day.

It’s always good to keep in mind that things will get better with time and without these heartbreaks, love can’t become. He’s out there. I just haven’t found him yet.

the ghosts of relationship past.

Isn’t it great when past lovers fight back in to your life? You know, they use that special power that they seem to all get after being deleted from social media, your phone and your life in general. What is this power that I am speaking of? Well, that would be the power of detecting when you have hit the low point. This low point usually comes after being dumped, experiencing a break up or heart break overall. It’s like they know exactly when texting you will really push you over the edge.

As most of you know, I was recently dumped last week by my short-term boyfriend of a month. Now, had it not been the week of my birthday, our one month mark, or smack dab in the middle of finals…maybe I wouldn’t have felt like absolute crap…but boys are always so pleasant to me so can’t say it wasn’t. It has officially been a week since the horrible ending of that chapter of my year and I still feel like crap. I don’t cry anymore which is a plus, but thinking about him is still a relevant problem. I think about him all the time, actually.

Following this break up, it has been super convenient that most of my ex lovers have come back into play. This whole blog began with a break up of mine that took place in my freshmen year of college. He was the love of my life…and I wasn’t even dating him. He broke my heart – smashed it, really. So, I began writing my feelings down on these posts, and from there, the blog was born. We haven’t spoken in about a year – last Christmas, to be exact. Anyways, last week, about three days after my heart had, yet again, been crushed into tiny pieces, I saw him at the gym. Usually, seeing this guy would cause me to look away until he passed or I would ignore him completely. Not this time – nope. He said hi, waved with the biggest smile on his face. Followed by many more awkward run-ins…

Next, my ex from high school reached out to me on my birthday. I haven’t spoken about this guy on the blog because, honestly, it was so long ago, I don’t have any feelings for him any more – whatsoever. We went out in sophomore year of high school after he dumped his girlfriend for me. Then, after being with me for approximately a month, he decided that he still loved his ex girlfriend…so that was that. Got over him pretty quickly and moved on. Well, now he is single, back from his exchange in Australia and continues to try and talk to me. Yay.

Most recently, today in fact, my on again, off again boyfriend from high school reached out to me. We’ve been catching up all night and I’ve come to the realization that he has a totally different account of how we ended in high school and how our whole relationship went. For about four years (the entire duration of high school) we broke up, and got back together, broke up, got back together. It was a rough ride, so to speak. Maybe I’ll outline our relationship in a post in the future. To me, it was hell on earth and I regret it ever happening because it changed the way I interacted with men for a long time. To him, it was “so much fun”.

Guys are stupid. It just goes to show that they are really stupid and don’t realize how much damage they can do/have done to us in the past. This has ultimately been the reason I have decided that I don’t want that any longer. In the future, I will not accept anything less than my expectations. I know what I want.

And that does not include any of the ghosts of my relationship past.

cross him out and move on.

This week has probably been the longest week of my entire life. Not only do I have to deal with the bullshit of my ex boyfrirend, but I also have to try and focus on finals that I have this weekend. Not fun. I am trying really hard to act like a badass during this break up – not cry, look my best and work out as much as possible…but it’s not really working. I keep thinking about him – everything reminds me of him. I’ll be walking down the street, stop to cross at a street corner and remember ‘Oh yeah, this is where we stopped to talk when we had coffee on our second date’. Or picking out what I want to wear and remember that ‘I wore this on our first date’, ‘I wore this on our second date’ and so on.

It sucks. I feel numb and have felt numb for the past week. I cry less, but I get more angry and I can feel my friends getting tired of it. I feel like they are screaming ‘you only dated him for a month’ at me or ‘grow up, this is pathetic’. I know this because I am saying it to myself. I feel that too. I only dated him for A MONTH, That is NOTHING compared to some people. But probably many of you can agree that when you form a strong connection with somebody, a month feels like a year. When you see them all the time and talk to them everyday, you get to know EVERYTHING about them and when that just stops hard in the sand…it is hard.

I have kind of been throwing myself a pity party for the past week (even on my birthday which was yesterday…’It’s my birthday and I’ll cry if I want to?’) so I thought that I would write out what I am feeling, including all of the things that went wrong or I didn’t like. The negatives if you will. Here it goes…

#1: Ex-girlfriend (who is crazy, stalker-ish, and completely psychotic) 

Okay, this is first because it is a big one. My ex, before me (this year, in fact) dated this girl. They had dated in high school and were kind of co-existing with each other for a while. They ended up dating for just over a year. He was treated like crap (according to him) for the duration of their relationship. He finally ended it with her when he speculated that she was cheating on him (never actually proved). Now how is she a psycho, you ask? Well, about a week or two into our relationship, she decided to have her friend go on my Instagram and comment crude, rude and plain mean things on my pictures that I had posted of him and I. I have never been bullied really in my life, until that point. It was ridiculous. It was immature, it was pathetic and outright embarrassing on her part. I have never met someone so shallow – and I was in high school.

So I guess this is a bullet dodged. She didn’t bother me after my ex told her to stop. However, I feel like a girl like this would not completely stop. If she is willing to do it the first time, she isn’t going to stop at someone telling her not to do it. So I am pretty glad I am rid of this crazy girl. (Note to self: Do not date anymore guys with psycho ex’s…not worth it)

#2: ‘Coverage’ and how he pronounced other words

This may be a low blow and kind of shallow to state here, but I have to say it. This guy ALWAYS pronounced things wrong. This is a pet peeve of mine – when people use phrases that aren’t phrases, or pronounce words incorrectly. What is coverage you ask? Well to me, that word means that you were able to cover your rash with the ointment described. Or the coverage on staff at the state fair. So how did he use it? You know when you go out to the bars, or go downtown to club and there is a cover? Well, in his world, that is called a coverage. In other words, “How much is coverage tonight?”

Sounds shallow, I know. Maybe he was raised that way? Maybe all of his friends call it that? Cover is short term for coverage you know… I KNOW. People have told me this over and over,  but I just can’t get past that. It is called a cover. You pay 20$ to get into the club for the night, you’re covered. That drove me crazy.

#3: The “Girl” Best Friend 

People have tried to tell me before that a girl and a guy can be best friends, without any relationship or feelings or whatever comes along. I am here to tell you that that is not true. I have yet to come across a male-female best friend relationship that doesn’t end in feelings or tears. Mine did. I thought that I could be friends with this guy I had known since high school. I thought that I could hear about his girl troubles and not want to either jump him, or marry him. I was SUPER WRONG. And eventually, everyone joins my opinion.

I get it, you guys aren’t attracted to each other. Now. Trust me, in the future, somebody will be feeling sad or lonely and the best friend will comfort and then BAM, you’ve slept with each other. Or you’ve kissed each other. Or you’ve said something that makes it awkward…like I love you. Try being friends after that…you can’t. Kind of like when my ex said that we could be friends. Umm…dude you have kissed me for an hour straight and touched my butt…we cannot be friends after that.

My ex has a friend. A best friend actually. Actually, if we are getting super real, he has TWO best friends who are girls. One of them, particularly, he spends a ton of time with and has known her since they were six. This all sounds real cute, until that girl feels super lonely one night or depressed about a guy who dumped her and my ex tries and makes her feel better. Next thing you know, they are kissing or making out and BAM. I am boyfriend-less. These are the kinds of situations that I use to think about when I was with him. If he told me he was hanging out with her or that she was coming out with him that night…that is exactly the scenario that played over and over in my head.

This was problematic and probably, eventually would have ended our relationship. Because, a) he would have cheated on me with her and I would have dumped his ass or b) it would have driven me mental, and caused me to not trust him regardless…which then he would have had to break up with me because no one wants their girlfriend to not trust them. Nice girl, but I couldn’t get the image of the two of them out of my head (to be honest, I still can’t).

There are many other negatives, I’m sure. And I’m sure that I will be able to come up with a book full in about a week after thinking about him even more. But these are the top ones for right now. Let’s cross our fingers that I can stay in this kind of mood so that I can focus on my LAST FINAL tonight (yay) and not cry, for the first day since Monday (5 days, people – yikes).

If any of you have any break up advice, please feel free to comment below. I could take anything I can get right now. It’s been a rough week.

shattered with nothing left.

Just goes to show you, go with your instincts. I had an inkling that there was something that was not right with my relationship. It’s fresh and new and it shouldn’t feel like we just fell out of love. I can’t put the feeling of breaking up into words, although I have tried many times. I have to say though, getting rejected or dumped by a friends with benefits or someone you never really felt real feelings for is not as bad compared to the pain you feel when someone doesn’t have a reason for why they don’t want to be your other half anymore. That is probably the worst pain I have ever felt.

I can’t explain it. I can’t even explain what I am feeling right now. We were involved for just over a month, officially. Well, one month to be exact. All I can say is that wine tastes really good right now. It is really the only thing that is making it feel less painful. For a moment. For tonight until I wake up tomorrow and I don’t see his name flash across my screen.

The kiss faces are gone. The hearts are gone. The labels are gone. All I have left is a few pictures that make me want to claw my eyes out and throw my phone at a wall. I have tried to talk it out. I have even reached a phase where I am able to breathe and am not desperately sobbing in my bed with a glass of wine and box of chocolates (jokes, I never got that bad). I keep telling myself (along with everyone else who has given their two cents) that in a few months, I am going to read back these posts and my feelings in my journal and look at the whole situation and feel like I have overcome something great. But a little part of me thinks…what if I haven’t moved past this in a couple of months.

What if I really can’t get over this one. The other guys that I have been involved with, there was always a  background thought of us not really being anything serious. It was said up front. I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew there was a strong possibility that it would never happen. I was going off fantasy. Now, this is different. I didn’t build this relationship in my hand or pieced it together with snippets of text messages. This was real. He called me his own. He said that he would never let me go. He told me he was in this for the long run and that he couldn’t stand being without me.

He said all of those things.

Does this mean now that all of those things are false? That maybe he was stringing me along? That what I really should have done was cut it off from the beginning? How did I miss this? Why did I let myself throw two feet in. I jumped in the deep end and now it’s like I am drowning. I am drowning in my sorrows and I don’t want to be. I can’t see two feet in front of me. All I see is the depths of the deep end. There is something holding me down, like I am trying to swim towards the light, but I can’t get there.

How did I get to this point? Why didn’t I see this? How could he have been such a bad guy for me? Why didn’t we work.

My tear ducts are dry, my wine glass is full, and I’m ready to black out tonight. That doesn’t mean it will go away in the morning. It’s like this numb feeling I have that has completely consumed my body. The shitty thing is that there is no cure. There is NOTHING I can do to make myself feel better.

I feel like my world has shattered. Because it has.

when are things really okay.

It’s too good to be true. Or should I say, it was too good to be true. Many of you who have read my posts in the last year know that the dating world doesn’t ever really work out for me – sometimes my own doing, other times solely because the guys that I am interested in are grade A jerks. Well, in the past month, I have been dating this guy. He swept me off my feet and honestly I fall for him a little more every day. Except today. Except this past week, when he has shown me an all too familiar side that I have seen in many of my previous boyfriends, hook ups and crushes. I don’t really know what to call this trait…it can really only be described by one word: asshole. Now, I normally would not unleash on a guy like him so quickly because in reality, he could be just having a bad day. But can you really keep accepting the excuse “bad day” when it gets to be their regular mood – every time you talk to them.

This week, I have been feeling like he’s going to leave, walk away, break up with me, and ultimately break my heart. Now, I will admit that I have been falling a little fast – everything has been moving so quickly in this relationship. I have told him everything about me, I have met his parents, all in one month. Well, a little over a month. Except, when all of that was happening, it felt right. I was happy, I really like him and he liked me. Then a shift happened. I don’t know why or how, it just happened. He distanced himself. It seemed as if he didn’t like me anymore, he didn’t want to be talking to me, but when I didn’t talk to him…he would complain. And complain.

I don’t know what to do at this point. I really like him and don’t want to lose him. I want to take this relationship as far as it will go…but how far is that really? How do you know when to back off or back completely off and run in the other direction. I feel myself getting different kinds of feelings for him – really special feelings, that I have never really had before. Which terrifies me. I don’t know how to deal with them – my friends don’t really understand…which is why I have reopened this life of blogging, so maybe it will give me a piece of mind. It will give me an outlet that will let me sort out these special feelings.

I am constantly asking myself “Am I clingy”? I never used to be…maybe now I am? Am I? Who knows? Did I do something to turn him off or away? I can’t think. I want to cry and cry and cry about it – but that won’t solve anything. I want to ask him about it…but that’s won’t solve anything either. That will get me pushed further back. It’s embarrassing to be feeling this way after only a month…but I just don’t know. When are things really okay? How can you be sure and feel secure in your relationship when there is all this stuff to worry about? I’m afraid that it will be me who screws it up with all this over analyzing. Ultimately, that will happen….I just want to see if I can make it not happen.

how things have changed.

Well hello long lost followers. I feel as if I should explain the extremely long absence that has occurred over the last couple of months. First of all, my junior year in college has been extremely busy…a lot busier than I thought it would be. I guess it is all that “preparation for the rest of my life” crap that everyone was telling me about. Choosing my career, talking to people about my future career and actually doing well in school – that all begins to matter apparently. And then there is this new thing that has happened in my life…my boyfriend. Yes, I did just say boyfriend. I don’t know what happened, to be honest with you. It just kind of…happened.

One moment I’m out with my friends at a kareoke bar, the next moment I am going to the movies and being won over by a 6’2 guy who I can only describe as amazing in every way. I know, this is not really the place I should be talking about, considering my blog is all about how my heart keeps getting re-broken. However, maybe this is when it will stay together? We’ll have to see.

As for my long absence. You can thank the last guy for that one. In all honesty, logging onto this blog reminded me of him and depressed me as I would sift through the old posts. It was tough, because what never started ended so abruptly (thank goodness this is anonymous!). He is out of my life now and has been for six months, and has been replaced by this wonderful guy. Let’s see how long it stays wonderful – stay tuned. We will be hitting one month next weekend, which is nothing to celebrate in my eyes. I don’t really consider one month to be a milestone considering we only see each other a couple of times a week – but I’ll blog on that later.

This was simply an update post to see if I have any followers left. Now, I have to get back to the life of procrastination (otherwise known as the life of a college student). Post soon!